About books and me..

A few weeks back I ordered a knitting book for hats and a book to make sock creatures. From the last one I didn't know iff I was going to like that book but it's great book. As well as the knit book!! I totally love it!! All morning I'm turning pages, read and all you can hear me say is, oh great, that's wonderfull too, oh and that one is awesome! So now I don't know where to start!

Yesterday I tried to work further on the heel of my sock but it went wrong!! I watched a video on youtube and (finally!!) I know what I did wrong but it was to late. So I pulled everything out and I'm starting over. So two new projects for me.. Socks and a new hat. I can't wait to start.

And I do have time... Not time I choose to have but time I have to take. Before my summer holiday I collapsed at work. My body and mind couldn't go any further and I didn't work for a few weeks. After the summer break I started to work again but noticed that still I didn't have any energy. More and more I started to forget things (even the names of my students who are almost three years in my class), my moods were realy swinging, I didn't care anymore for my household or my self care. But I kept going on (i'm realy good in that..) and in december I collapsed again. My body and mind are totally out of energy. I overcropped myself on all fronts. And no, this has nothing to do with my job as a teacher, as so many people think when you have a teaching job but that's not the thing. I love my job! I love my kids and they love me for a teacher. You have no idea how many cards and mails I'm getting! That's so great. No, my work is not the issue. I wish I could go tomorrow..

The first weeks were the worst (I think now). I could only cry or be mad as hell and couldn't accept the situation. Now I'm accepting the fact that I'm having a heavy burn out and my mind and body are screaming for a rest. I'm taking the rest and when I have some energy again, I'm gonna work on recovery. And most off all, how to prevent myself from getting here again. But I have help with this. Now and in the futher during recovery.

As said, the burn out is not because of my work. It's because to much happened in the last years and all I did was go on and on and on... I worked through life but didn't live life. More and more I'm learning that my world and my truth is not a 'normal' world. The demands I have over myself are not normal and I have to work on those. As well as the fact that I know now that I have adhd and I have to work on my bounderies. Because I don't have them.. But again, that's for later. Now it's time for rest.

And that's also why I don't sew anything anymore at the moment or in the last months. I don't have any concentration for it and I'm ruining all my fabrics. Working with yarn is the only thing I'm capabel off now. And when that's going wrong, I can pull everything out (which is happening a lot!).
That's also the reason I'm reading your blogs less then usual. It's hard to focus or find energy. Therefore I'm also not capabel to read a book or watch a movie. Sometimes I watch a feelgood movie but I watch it twice, otherwise I don't understand it.. hahahaa And how hard is that!??!!

How hard, how shit or sad the situation is on this moment, sometimes I have to laugh about myself. On the times that I watch a feel good movie twice, or about the day I found out that I still had my slippers on at the pay desk, doing grosseries (forgot to put normal shoes on) or when I'm thinking of something to do, getting up and then forget what I was going to do...

Or like today.. That I'm like a child, so happy with my new books.. I had to laugh about myself while I was going through my new books and kept saying, whoohh or ahhh.. but maybe I had to laugh because I felt a moment of joy. A feeling that's lost for a long time now..

some hats from the book